I know I can’t think clearly, I know I can’t help the temptation to fly there and meet him in person, I know I can’t face this alone without going crazy. During this grief, it is best friend who can conquer the sorrow, light the mood and kill the loneliness. People said if the friendship could last for 7 years, then it will last forever. So, there I went, talked to Intan and poured the tears.

“Have you ever asked yourself what is it that you truly want?”

“Are you crying for merely losing the precious one in your life or you do want him back?”

“Do you think it’s a true love you feel or you just don’t want things to change?”

Rather than calming me down, she confronted me with questions I could barely answer. The questions I never really asked to myself.

“So now, let it be only between your heart and your mind, go ask yourself those things you always avoid”

It is almost impossible to get the clear answers when you’re in desperation. I’m afraid it just turns out to be too emotional and not truly defining the state I am through. I need more questions leading to reach the truth. She gave me these:

  1. Can I sleep well without being with him?
  2. What do I feel when I’m with him?
  3. What do I feel when I’m NOT with him?
  4. Is this feeling strong enough to enable me to be a fighter when thing goes hard?
  5. Imagine you feel strong enough, then ask again, are WE strong enough to find a way and stay together through whatever trouble might come? Because it takes two to tango
  6. If you both feel you have enough strength, then ask again, is this love and his existance in my life worthy to replace all the hurts I may bring to my family?
  7. Could he be my best friend where I can be my truly being and be simply a human with fear and doubt?
    1. Does he make me feeling pretty?
    2. Does he make me feeling to be a woman and strive to be a good one?
    3. Is he able to bring the best of me without I even realize?
    4. Is he the first person you always wanted to talk to and share things?
    5. Does he make you feel I can live my life with him?

And these are I gave her:

  1. These days I couldn’t have a well sleep. Dreams awake me and get me uptight. I check my phone again and again, read the messages again and again, trying to understand, did I leave something unclear? Did I say something wrong? Did he say something I fail to interpret? And those questions keep haunting me. I turn to hate the night.
  2. It’s a mixture of feeling free (to be whatever I want to be) and bounded (to be the best I can be), relaxed and spirited, joy (he did silly things I feel almost always entertained) and worry (I was afraid to come to the time where we have to decide). I know we didn’t always have a good time but it is the thing I easily remember, feel like I’ve lost the bad time memory somewhere.
  3. Grief, loss, lonely, empty, confused, worry, sorry. It’s true when people saying you don’t know what you have until you lost it. The loss gives me a picture of thing I had taken for granted. A friend, a lover, a man, a mood swinger (now I can barely feel anything), a good singer, a surprise (he did things I never expected), and a silly boy (so I could be silly as well and laugh at our silliness).
  4. Yes it is. I was afraid, I worried too much; I didn’t have any gut to stand up, step forward and fight the fight. But now I know. Now I’m done with those and feel ready.
  5. Yes we are. I had seen the struggle he did, the survival he made and the sacrifice he would take. It was actually me who hold things. But now I’m ready.
  6. I don’t know how to answer this. I love them all. They are the most important part of my life. One who brought me up here and one will lead me up there. How can I choose one and hurt the other? But you know, I told mom that there’s another guy who asked me for a marriage but I don’t feel anything for him. Mom said, “Don’t. Choose the one you’re really into as it is you who will be in a marriage, not me not your dad, but you.” So I hope I can eventually assure them and no one will hurt.
  7. Yes Yes Yes!!! The thing I always enjoy was being creative. I felt like an artist when we’re together. I wrote poems, I played with rhyme and my life sounded in good melody, I could be an actress and pretend to be many characters. We played games and I enjoyed being a winner! hahaha
    1. I can’t really remember he’s telling me that I’m pretty. But yes, he made me feel that way. From the way he looked at me and treated me, like nothing compares.
    2. Actually, it is with or without him, I always want to be a good woman. Educated, faithful, respected, trusted, bring happiness, comfort and spirit. It’s through the time we’re together, I had a chance to prove and was actually striving into it.
    3. He sent me email telling stories of our past then I was like seeing that it was indeed the best of me, as a woman. I almost couldn’t believe that I was that nice. You know me pretty well.  You know how not nice I am, particularly towards man. As Rosie said, “You will know when you meet the right man because it’s not how you feel about him, but it’s how he makes you feel about yourself”. I felt good, then I be good J
    4.  You know, I’m a good secret keeper. I’m not used to say too much things to others. Rather than asking for help, I prefer find a way myself. I keep my circle small so I don’t have many friends I can talk to and I enjoy it that way. Maybe I just don’t know how to be more open, or maybe I don’t want to be more open. I don’t know. Plus, I prefer to listen than talking. Or, by listening I will then talk. The good thing is, he’s the one who usually has things to share, so I listened then eventually shared some stuffs too.
    5. Well, that is actually the first layer I set, to screen before really taking further step to know someone more (by being a lover). So, the answer is yes baby!! At first. Before I became too afraid of failure, of future, of the possibility that we couldn’t pass things through. I was too afraid that I saw everything as impossible. He’s done everything but the fear covered all my gut and made me run. And the rest is thing you’ve already seen. I get my gut back and feel like want to start it now.

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