The longing has never been quite like this
When the date is set
The closer it gets, the longer it is felt
How is it like after?
Oh, life is always about a new longing
drifted out of touch to be here
To certain degree, I am against the “don’t judge a book by its cover” notion. Of course we’re judging. That’s part of our defensive system that makes us human survive. It is our keen and snap judgment that saves us from the wildlife danger long time ago and from the human insanity on today civilized period.
People cover themselves with various kind of shields, the presented appearance which they consider safe enough for others to see, to judge. This shield often acts in two paradoxical function, to show and to hide.
Take clothes. We use it to cover our body, to protect the imperfect beauty, or to hide the scars; we let no one to judge. Yet in the same time – from the choice of fabric, design, and color – we are trying to speak our style, we are showing what kind of personality this covered body has; we let everyone to judge.
Another example, and this one might be little less used shield, is the words chosen. Words are originally created as tool to express idea or feeling, to bring the known information or the felt sensation out. Yet somehow, words are equally able to serve as a camouflage, it’s more disguising than silence. Like when a poet dancing with rhyme, trying to convey the most personal aesthetic feeling through metaphorical form. Words chosen are to articulate the feeling, to bring the atmosphere – implicitly.
Words is my shield, worn both to cover and show the innermost part, until the right moment comes to put all the cards on the table, to let it lay in bare.
Meanwhile, when I finally found the exact word for a specific sensation or for particular situation I am in, it is like finding the right dress to wear for a date, among those piles of junks, after hours of mismatching (girls know this very well). I stumbled upon this web and feel like, “Yes this is the right dress!”
On the very first pages, I find these five are the most epitomizing things I’ve been through. They bring the sense of closeness to the feeling which I can associate to a particular experience. Travelling back through time; correlating the moment, the feeling, and the word best describing the both two. Simple happiness!
(n) buying books and not reading them; letting books piled up unread on shelves or floors or nightstands.
(adj) cozy, nice, inviting, pleasant, comfortable connoting time spent with loved one or togetherness after a long separation.
(n) encouraging people to see common things as strange, wild, or unfamiliar; defamiliarizing what is known in order to know it differently or more deeply.
(v) pretending reluctance or indifference when you are actually willing or eager; saying no and meaning yes.
(n) the perfect, delicate, crucial moment ; the feeling rightness of time and place that creates the opportune atmosphere for action, words, or movement.
Tell me your words.
A mystery. The dark area ahead, which could tremble you as you’re not very sure what kind of creature is living there, how will they treat you, what sensation you might feel, will it be your life’s tragedy or the best thing ever happened? It excites you as both good surprises and the bad ones might show in equal portion.
A mystery. The essence of a lively life. A life that is not just a mundane repeated scenes, so automatic which makes it goes so fast and we come to another Monday without even aware what had happened, what had been missed.
A mystery. The luxury that every soul is craving for, to a certain degree they could bear. To stay alive.
Let’s embrace that unknown territory.
Forgive me for acting this cold.
Blame me for I sanctify the promised day.
Yet I am about to explode.
And I am ready to blow all sensation, to the most intense.
But until the day, let me enjoy my vorfreude!
You asked me to write every time I fail to fall asleep and lost deep in my mind. But you know, since you’re there, there’s no way I can write. Talking to you is what I prefer. And by doing so, I have expressed all idea and thought, and released all the tension caused by it. So I find no need to do it in another way.
You’re now becoming my addiction, and it is very strange. Don’t you think what happened between us is kind of suspicious? Like a stranger coming without any notice then offering every good thing in life, and we still can’t believe he’s doing it without asking anything in return. This is just too good. You know, every time I wake up in the morning, I am always surprised, just by thinking you’re really there.
How could this happened? And why? Why now? Why not a year ago or next year? I can see my days now will be about to find the answer of those.
The whole 4 years being in the same place, studying the exact same thing, having the same friends – yet nothing happened. When it is about people, I will surely remember: the face, the way they talk, the jacket they like to wear, their voice, place they usually hang around, the circle of friend they are in, or even their smell. As every individual is very particular, there is always something I will remember about a person I met.
But when I’m trying to figure out where were you, it’s like a sudden black out. All data from the stored memory is cut out, no single scene appear to light my way. When it is about you, I am left in a dark room. No clue. Not even a blur image of how you’re look like, the way you stand, the way you comb your hair, was it a sling bag or a backpack that you use? Oh, have we even met before?
Then how come just in half day everything’s changed? What did you do? Was it when you helped me with the route? Or when you offered me some snack? It mustn’t be your choice of songs, your song was odd.
Can’t tell exactly how and when. The only thing very clear is, since that day, I know my life is about to find its direction.
One faculty that is well developed when we’re reaching the so called mature age is the ability to hide feelings. With me now spending more time with kids, I can say it’s very much easier to tell what they feel than what my grown-up friends feel. Kids laugh when they’re happy, cry when sad or embarrassed, frown when they’re angry or disagree, and scream when they’re excited. Their faces speak the truth, like having no filter to turn the emotion inside into the totally opposite expression, like us – adults – often do.
Just take a look at my family picture and see how it has changed from time to time. This is the first one we had.
So there, none of us was smiling. I still remember what happened. I had another fight with my brother. I must admit that I did trick him and teased him until he cried, just right before we’re taking the picture. I was totally not having that cutie pie look which could save me from mom’s anger. (I still believe the reason why mom was very much nicer to my little brother is not because he’s not an annoying kid as I was, but because he’s having that angel face, the kind of face you don’t have a heart to be angry at). Mom was very mad at me and it’s not easy to get my brother calm for the picture. So that’s the best shoot we could have. This picture speaks the truth. The frown on my face, the wet eyes on my brother, and of course the unhappy look on mom and dad.
This one is my friend’s. I don’t know what was happened there but I love the level of truth of this one. The wet stain on the vest plus the sleepy and totally-not-ready-for-shoot eyes, it’s just so hilarious. And look at that little girl on red. Maybe she was wondering, “Why the hell are people just standing and looking at that can’t-finish-counting guy?”
This is the second of ours, and this has included the youngest on my family. I’m not very sure why she put that duck face, maybe I teased her too. But here, we’ve learned how to put a little smile. Well, dad was still wearing that stiff military face. He’s in army so no wonder.
I think I’m falling into this again. I know exactly how it feels. The rush of excitement, sudden big smile, easy laugh, inspiration to write, super energy to get up and make things done, extra attention, deeper thought, and without even looking I can tell that my eyes are brighter – bye bye sobbing eyes!
Growing up means we’re changing from being someone else’s suitcase into the owner of our own. The longer we live, the more experienced we are, the bigger suitcase we’ll carry. Sometimes we let people to see what’s inside, or it is easily seen from the outside, like carrying the transparent plastic bag. But most of the time, we don’t share. We keep things into secret pockets and hidden sacks, only to few very trusted people we let them opened.
See the analogy? Only things not so precious are kept in transparent plastic bag, they’re everybody’s knowledge, only trivia. Things we consider very valuable are locked very deep, and only to very valuable people we share the key.
So, back again to the feeling. I am having a crush, if it’s not falling in love. I can’t really tell the difference. But one very clear sign is this willingness to share what’s in my suitcase. And by saying “to share”, I mean I’m opened to any possibility, to let him see, comment or judge, even make a mess of it.
And looking through these rosy eyes, everything seems very simple. I’m falling because of very simple reason, the way it’s happened is also very simple. So, let’s see if this could simply rock!
I have a friend who is quite having a same circumstances with me. So without much talk, we can easily come to an understanding and reach that “uhm uhm, I got that” moment. It is priceless! And recently, we’re involved on the never ending talk about why people care so much about marriage. I won’t discuss much about it as it is really never ending, mostly try to figure out confirmation and validation of why it’s okay being single on this “oh you should really start having a serious date” age. And this talk led me to this super witty article, insightful thought written in the very daily words. I love the man behind this web.
Couldn’t stop nodding at the Traffic Test, I created my own to see if a person is worth to be considered as a partner. It’s called a Co-Pilot Test.
Since long I have developed a belief that I’m bad on remembering routes, locating position, or giving direction. As the truth is as far as the belief, so yes, I’m really really bad on these. But lucky now they invent this very helpful app which can show very detail and clear routes to reach any specific place. The feature I enjoy the most is its prediction on the distance, so I can anticipate how far I should take a turn or drive to the left lane to exit the toll way. The second favorite is of course because it is talking. This app produces a voice when directing, so I shouldn’t have to look at my phone often – besides it’s very unsafe, I hate people who are looking at their phone while driving, so I just don’t wanna do it. And as a bonus, I get a man voice. Call me pathetic but I feel safer when it’s a man who’s talking. Let’s call him Mamang (I’m not sure if there’s an option to use a man or a woman voice but my friend got a woman’s and I must say that she’s heard very fussy).
So basically, this Co-Pilot Test is only about how well someone sitting beside me could work together with Mamang and do some additional works like every good partner does – helping to read the sign, reacting calmly when I take a wrong turn (yes I still do this a lot even with Mamang’s help and please don’t make me panic by being over-reacted), or helping to prepare money for toll tariff. Let me recall some people and see why he/ she could or could not make a good partnership (at least with me).
By the way, she’s the friend I was talking about at the very beginning of this story, a friend I know for almost 4 years. It is not very long but what we’ve come through makes the counting years not quite relevant to how well we know each other. She’s one of Sangihe Squad and one of the closest. And in regards with being a good co-pilot, she made it! With a minimum score.
Another the closest on Sangihe Squad. He’s been living in Bandung for years so every time I visit Bandung, which is quite often, he becomes my co-pilot. How well is he?
Without much talk, I only want to say that I couldn’t stand driving her for a long trip. I’m sorry Mom. A bit glimpse of what makes it so:
Well, I think it’s just a typical thing. Maybe when I become a mom, I will also behave exactly like her and read a blog of how awful I am as a co-pilot. Hopefully not.
A friend from uni. We barely knew each other and I don’t even remember if we ever talked before. It’s just couple of days ago he sat on that hot seat, and combined with the Traffic Test, he gave me this idea of Co-Pilot Test. I can say he’s pretty good.
A very best friend since high school. I myself amaze of the fact that I could befriend someone that long. And to add my amazement, she is the best co-pilot ever! Oh I learn a lot from her. Not visiting her when I’m in Bandung is a stupid mistake. She knows every turns, shortcuts, where the traffic’s happening, what’s the cool place to see, good place to eat, etc. These are qualities makes her the best:
So, what this test is really saying about a good partner? For me, there’re several qualities on finding or being one: